A Recipes for the Apocalypse Guide to Preparing for Disaster

A Recipes for the Apocalypse’s guide to Preparing for Disaster

Step 1) Decide where you or your family will be when a disaster strikes.

The key words here are “or” and “decide” because you can not plan on all eventualities and if you know where your family is then you will most likely not know where you will be. So pick who you will want to save. Yourself or your family. Of course you could always decide to be with your family when a disaster strikes but this leads to a dissemination of actual action that could potentially disrupt RFA’s response time and endanger the lives of countless (not countless actually it is counted and the number is 3) others.

Step 2) Four Steps to Preparedness

1) Get informed. If you want to survive the apocalypse with your naughty bits and insanity intact then you need to be informed. Go ahead. Open Pandora’s box, how else will you know what the right and wrong things to do are? Stare at the warnings hidden in the word scrambles on Wheel of Fortune, and pay attention - Vanna White’s letterly caresses usually hide secret CIA signs detailing the most likely letters to take a hit. Pay no attention to Pat Sajak. He knows nothing of Vanna’s behind the scenes hanky panky and is merely a generally competent figure head meant to distract us from the hidden messages. Also make sure to listen for the subliminal messages in elevator musak, that has been most commonly used to dope high rise office workers into complacency and the misinformation that the job is worth it, changing to messages of duck and cover. What ever you do: Do Not Duck and Cover. This will provide you with absolutely no protection from anything not even the ridicule of looking like an ass when you do it at the wrong time.

2) Make a plan. Or at least plan on making a plan. Decide where you will go to make a plan should the unthinkable, which we are thinking about, should happen. My suggestion is your local pub. Plan on drinking yourself silly for this may be your last chance. Plan on dragging everyone you can – everyone that is worth dragging - and drive straight for the nearest major highway that is not an escape route. You will have a hand up because everyone else will be sitting bumper to bumper as the end comes while you will have miles of unclogged road ways to weave down. Create an action checklist because in times of high stress you want to make sure you cross all the T’s and dot all the I’s.

3) Assemble a disaster supply kit. Here is a short list to get you started.

a. Duct Tape

b. Tomato soup

Like I said it is a short list and remember the key to survival is to get out fast so don’t over do it. Anything can be fixed and/or made/repaired with duct tape and tomato soup will be good for generations while providing all the necessary preservatives to get your body through the toughest of times.

4) Maintain your plan. Watch Wheel of Fortune daily for any updates from Vanna. Eat anything with preservatives to block the decay that will inevitably take your body. Talk with your loved ones and assure them that death is not a bad thing. Keep the hand gun loaded, you never know when someone will either turn into a zombie or try to steal your tomato soup. Do not feel bad practicing on zealots or career politicians – remember it is your survival that is important, not theirs, and those two subcategories are on the verge of becoming zombies anyway. Really you are just making things easier for yourself when, not if, the apocalypse occurs.

Remember knowing what to do is your best protection and your responsibility! We here at Recipes for the Apocalypse just want you to be safe when the world ends. As always we will continue to look out for your well being because it is in our best interest. After all it is your right to eat potentially tainted food and prepare for all eventual eventualities, and it is our responsibility to keep you informed of any and all new information regarding Salmonella, Anthrax, or any other disgruntled postman or vicious vegetable scenario out there.

Sincerely,

Jeremiah Brickholds

Preparation Coordinator

Recipes for the Apocalypse

i really think

i like it!

needs work.

Comments

SimoneJanuary 26, 2009

you should post this in the articles or essays section, that's what it seems to be, and that's where it'd get more publicity. It's so funny! The book looks really good too, by the way.

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